I've Discovered That There Are Just Some Things That You Can't Look Cool Doing...

I know it's hard to believe that even I find it hard to look cool in certain situations, because someone you've never met, who can capture your attention has got to look cool in most situations. But I'm getting off track.

Two of the main things, and there are more but I'm going to address these particular hard-to-look-cool-in situations; a man eating an ice cream cone and anyone standing in a line.

Famous WWE wrestler Goldburg could be standing in a tank of pirahnas, wearing an acid soaked jumpsuit, with his cueball head on fire, but if was eating an ice cream cone, even the most puny guy would call him a fag or even a Douche. It just isn't man food. Guinness is man food. A triple stacker at the BK lounge is man food. An ice cream cone, just isn't manly. I'm in no way implying that ice cream cones aren't delicious because they are. They are a flavor explosion. Here are (5) rules that I've come up with, just now, to help men, like myself who enjoy a cone every once in a while.

1) It's ok to eat a cone if you are taking a small child out for an icy treat.
2) You are sharing it with Hiedi Klum or Shakira.
3) You've constructed a bombproof and thus windowless bunker in your front yard and there's no way for your buddies to inadvertently see you munching away at an ice cream cone.
4) You or one of your family members is dying and the only way to save them is to have an ice cream cone.
5) I included this rule only to say that #4 will never happen so if I catch you eating one and you whip out rule #4 I will stab you in the throat.

If you get tricked into eating an ice cream cone by whichever hooker you've taken out to a Marble Slab or Stone Cold Creamery, and one of your buddies happens to see you, you are indebted to him and owe him a beer.

Another place it is really hard to look cool is standing in line. I mean seriously. I was standing in line at the bank of all places and I was thinking about hurting myself. I've never been or had any desire to be a cutter, until just then. Here's a sampling of the people around me in line.

Guy One: Looks like he just rolled out of bed, wearing mismatched sweat top and bottoms with boots and a parka.

Girl One: Is standing with Girl Two and they are being really loud and thinking that people want to hear what drivel is coming out of their collective MOUTH. Girl One's body was having a race with itself, her boobs were racing her stomach to see which one could get farther from her body. Her breasticles were losing.

Girl Two was also chubby and wearing a smallish shirt that was winning the battle of letting her stomach fall out over the top of her pants.

Guy Two: Thought he was doing a great job standing in line. He was making small talk with everyone and laughing and carrying on like being in line was his favorite thing ever. When all he was doing was annoying me.

Tiny Family One: A father, mother, baby, and brother. The whole time mother was telling father how adorable baby had been all day. There's one thing I really hate. Other people's children. Especially if I'm standing in line listening to how cute they are.

Guy Three: was a gansta, straight up. Doo Rag, drum major ball cap, baggy-ass jeans, huge"I'm smuggling a buick" shirt and matching parka. He was your stereotypical G. Answering his phone like it was Hov, himself, Like the Jigga was on the horn asking him how his line standing experience was going...

Girl Three: There was also a very tiny, very pregnant lady who wasn't talking to anyone, she was content to just stand there and be pregnant, but alas she would have been fine if her phone didn't ring. I was two people from the teller when I heard Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, piercing the stale bank air at Oh I don't know 9,000 decibles. NICE!

There's the setting. Here I am in the middle of this thinking, "I wonder how good I'm looking?" Then I thought probably not that great. I'm surrounded by people I don't care about and have no desire to interact with. Then it hit me! You can't look cool standing in line, unless it's the line to get into heaven. Cause at least there you're going to heaven. Everything else just seems dumb. Next time you are in line look around at how bored and boring the people around you look. It will be painful, I promise, but worth it especially if you look at the people that are behind you, because even if one of them is looking better than you, you are still in front of them in line.

I'll talk to you all later,

WP